Lately

It's been quite a long time since I wrote. Last couple of posts,  I have I talked about changes in my house with grown kids and what is my role now? Well.....I'm still figuring it out. One day at a time. I am finding I have a little more time for people.

Last night I was invited to study the Bible with some friends. Before the study began, we had a good chat and laughed about my crazy day and talked what they were going through too. As prayer was given, I couldn't help but silently thank God in my heart for the dear people who welcomed me and let me study with them in their home. We had a good conversation as the study went on. We talked of God and how he chooses us to be his children. Also, how we can have joy because our eternity is secure in Christ and nothing can take that away. These things give me peace and my hope is that my friends have that peace as well. After our conversing, I was invited for supper. We talked more around the table as we prayed and ate our meal. This time was so special to me. Not only were we unified in Christ, but got closer as a result of the time we all took to study about God.

I am a firm believer that we meet no person by chance. Since God is sovereign, whoever we meet, have a conversation with, chat with, text, message, FaceTime or whatever is orchestrated by our God. I also believe we can learn off anyone we meet. The lessons may not always be good ones, but learning from people is something we can be looking for.

Recently I have met some new people, reconnected with old friends, and lost a great teacher due to a move. This loss of my mentor affected me greatly, but I'm finding that God had that all worked out too. He has put new teachers in my path to help me continue to grow. He has put old friends in my life as well to talk to. He also put people like my friends from last night in my life so we could learn and grow from each other.

Nothing is ever by chance as All things work together for good (Romans 8:28). Life is so hard, but realizing all we go through is all part of how we become more like Jesus, makes the hard times a little easier to bear.

Now What?

This week has been slightly overwhelming for me. I've had my focus steered in a whole different way since last week. See......tomorrow my youngest child turns 18 and the day after he will graduate high school. This is a bittersweet time in my life. It's a treasure to watch your kids grow to adulthood and with all of my kids now adults, our relationships are different. A good different.

I told my youngest the other day that come Monday.....no school....ever again. He's so happy about that. He wanted out of school for quite some time and he has made us so proud in thr young man he has become. However, I asked him what am I supposed to do now? I wonder who I'm going to look after? Who will I make sure is up and awake before I leave for work? Who will I buy school supplies for in the fall? Who will I take care of? As the other kids grew up, I always had more kids below them to keep focusing on. Now all that is done.

Im Remembering the book of Ecclesiastes and how God tells us that there is a time and a season for everything in this life. One chapter will finish and a new one will begin. I know this is how life works. I've had many chapters come to a close in my life, this is another one.....but the adjustment could take a little while.

The kids are close by and not moving far away or anything anytime soon.....and I don't have a problem with change, even though what I'm saying here may seem like it. Since I became a mom in 1993 for the first time, I wanted to watch my kids grow and learn. Through that watching and guiding, I was able to have such joy over the gifts in our kids that our God has given my husband and I. This is exactly what has happened. Being their mom has given me great joy and will continue to do so as they get older.....which means I get older too. Haha.

Over the past few years, I don't live past day to day. Making long term plans isn't something I spend a lot of time doing, and maybe that's wrong, but for me to just enjoy each day that God has given me is all I can do. Looking to far past that isn't for me. I am wondering "now what", but if I was smart in my thinking, I would already know God has it all figured out. He is good and deserves our praise even when we don't understand or want to admit we need him to help transition us from one chapter of our life to the next. Yes there is a time and season under heaven for everything. And yes if we know God is sovereign.....all will be just wonderful! To God be the glory! ❤️

Almost

A few weeks ago in conversation with friends, I mentioned about the fact that when school starts this fall, I won't have any kids going back to school. My youngest child graduates high school in a couple weeks. How did this happen? Haha....I know how it happened, I blinked and just like that my kids weren't kids anymore. They were grown and fending for themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the stages my kids had, but watching them grow into older teens was my favorite time. We used to have great conversations with them as teenagers. A lot of times their friends would hang out at our house and we would all talk for hours just about life and growing and God. I treasure those times because when we had those chats, nothing else mattered. No Tv or cell phones, or computers.....just kids and good conversations and laughs. Lots of laughs were on me because my kids and their friends....and my husband liked to pick on me. (I've been told all my life that when people pick in you they really love you.....and I could feel it, believe me)

So....today.....at this point and time, I am almost done being a parent of school aged children. Wow. Never thought of it that way before. Yes, I'll always be a mom.....yes, I always be there for my kids.....yes, parenting is ever changing with each age and stage a kid is in. But, figuring out my role now is not so simple. This will take time and time is always getting away from me.

I love how God gives us grace for each day. He helps us and guides us whether we know it or not. By His grace our kids live out another day with us on this earth.  By His grace he chose to make us parents.....and making  me a parent is a bigger mystery. 😉 I am thankful for the time with my kids and how as they are grown they can now be my friend. They understand me better than anyone on most things in my life, so they can listen and help me along too. They tell me when I need to work on things or if I'm being rude or naive or just silly. I appreciate them more than they could ever imagine.

My kids may always need me, but I may need them just as much.  My husband and I are almost at the end of thr child rearing stage of our married life. Wow, this hits hard. This stage only makes me love our God all the more. His mercy and grace are evident every day that is spent with the ones we love. Anytime we can text, talk to, hug, or laugh at with those we love deeply, it is such a blessing. I'm trying to never take any precious amount of it for granted. To God be the glory!

Lost

I have 3 kids who are all grown.....well the youngest will be 18 in a few weeks and graduate, so technically, he's not totally grown, but close encough. When my now 21 year old son was 3, my family and I went to a big yard sale. It was held in a park and had lots of venders. My husband had to work that day, but my parents were along. We were walking along and the kids were hanging on the stroller as the littlest guy was just a baby. I look an my 3 year old is missing. This place was a big open area. Right away, my "mom panic mode" set in and I began screaming for him. When he didn't come to me I panicked even more. That "mom panic mode" clouds your mind, judgement, and thoughts. My dad was trying to calm me down telling me everyone was looking at me.....which I didn't care, my kid was gone. My mom went to look for him. I kept crying and thinking that I lost my sweet boy and how would I tell my husband that his son was gone? All I could think was that I'd never see my boy again (yet I bet it wasn't even 5 minutes he was missing).

All of a sudden, my mom comes back to me holding his hand. He had spotted a tool bench for sale at someone's stand and felt he needed to go check it out. When my boy saw how upset I was after I ran to hug him and pick him up, he began to cry too. It was an emotional time of reuniting to my child.....who I thought was lost forever. I was never so scared in all my life.

Last night at a meeting we talked of the lost son in Luke 15. This is quite a different story, but has the same ending. The son that was lost (literally and spiritually) was found. The father ran to meet his boy in the street when he spotted him. He hugged him and they had a reuniting that was emotional also. The father in this parable is God, and I'm not a father or God, but the time of finding my boy that day was full of emotion and we rejoiced that he was found.

This story tells us that heaven rejoices at one sinner (those who don't know Jesus) who comes to repentance. It also tells us that the Father will seek his children and rejoice when they come back home to Him. We are all like the lost boy in the story. Until we are repentant of our sins toward our Father, he will wait. When we choose Jesus and believe He died to save us, we can be free and our Father will be right there to meet us and rejoice when we are found, just like my little guy that summer day.

Talk

I have to laugh sometimes. I've been told I know a lot of people and a lot of things about people. I really don't, I just listen and watch and engage in conversation.  I talk.....to a lot of people......at random times. I laugh because I used to be quiet and reserved.

When I met my husband all those years ago, he was a talker. I remember early in our relationship we were at the mall. You know he was trying to impress me because he really hates going to the mall....unless he's going to get something. Haha. Anyway, we were walking through the food court and he just started talking to an older gentlemen for about 20 minutes. What they discussed I don't remember,  but when we walked away I asked him who that man was. He said..."I don't know, I just met him". This was foreign to me. To go up to a total stranger and engage in that type of conversation seeming as you've known the person for years......?? What? How is this possible?

Back in the day,  I was a bit on the shy side. I liked going places with my husband because I could just stand there and not have to say anything to most people. He would do all the talking for us both. It kept me in my comfort zone. It kept me safe. It kept me from having to reach out and make myself uncomfortable. This was a nice part of being married......especially to an extrovert. Maybe I'm exaggerating all this and how I was. Maybe I wasn't as shy as I seem to think I was? I don't know,  but my husband was my cover. That I do know.

As the years went by, I was put in situations where I had to talk to people. His health isn't the best so some things I had to tackle by myself. One year (maybe in 2001) my husband signed us both up to teach VBS at church. I had no clue what I was doing or why he raised his hand to volunteer. I was upset and scared......but then I figured I'd do what I always did. Stand behind him as he talked and be a helper in the class. That's it, I won't have to do any hard work, but help. All the teaching and talking will be on him, at least that's how it played out in my mind. Then 3 nights into a 5 night week, he got sick. Some  virus would keep him home. I was a mess. How was I going to do this teaching and talking thing by myself? Oh golly. He encouraged me that night telling me he would pray and I'd be fine. That I did know how and God would help me. This left me with no choice but to do it. I couldn't let the kids down and not show up.....I couldn't let the other teachers down and put more on them, I had to face my fears and go for it.

That night was awesome! I went there and my church family prayed for me before it began. They knew I was brand new at this and helped encourage me with the class. I believe that all those years ago, God allowed my husband to be sick to show me what He needed me to do. He needed me to step out of my comfort zone for His glory. He proved that in two hours that night. This evening was the first step in many, many other stories of how God uses broken people (like myself) to do His work. That night might have been a turning point in my life as far as people go.

As we grow in God our desires change. Now, I can talk to just about anyone and listen and not be afraid. In fact, I chat more now with people than my husband does. He tells me about it too......which is so funny cause I turned into him that way. He taught me well I guess. Haha. It's funny how we grow and change even after we are grown ups. It's amazing to me how God can still use us and chooses to use us despite our shortcomings. We just have to be willing and have the desire to do so. People are amazing and getting to know them is such a pleasure for me. I know I don't sound "normal", but I don't care. God is good and that's all that matters. ☺️

Lukewarm

We are told in the Bible that being lukewarm for God is totally wrong. When we aren't sure where we want to be with God we are in the middle. There is no middle ground when it comes to following God. We have to be on His side or none at all. We can't "ride the fence"......as I used to tell the youth group all those years ago. It's hard living the Christian life. It's hard to live like Jesus calls us to. The influences of this world will constantly come after us.....no matter how old we are or how close we are to God. The key to overcoming our temptations to follow the world is to spend time in prayer with our Maker and follow His words. This will help tremendously. We will still be tempted but always have a way out......

I found a list of ways to how NOT to be a lukewarm Christian......

1. Praise God......This is easier said than done. How often do I get frustrated and forget to praise Him. Even in my frustration I am still shown grace. I'm still alive and can move my body. I can still walk and talk even though I'm frustrated. I need to praise God anyway, even when I don't "feel" like it. 

2. Seek out ways to love  people.......again easier said than done. How can I love better? I wrote a New Years  blog on this topic. Spending time with people is fun. Being intentional in forming relationships to share eventually about Jesus is another way to love better. Just being kind and compassionate is another way to love better. Listen when people talk......which I do at my job. (When people check into thr ER they spill all their problems on you.....I'm glad I can be there to listen and offer support, but that's beside the point) 

3. Receive and extend grace. .....we get grace from God and if we claim to be Christians we need to extend that grace to others. This one is simple, but one we need to keep doing. 

4. Seek to understand others, verses judging them.......I've always reasoned to myself that people act the way they do for a reason. It could be reasons that we can't understand, but this would play into the one of seeking ways to live people better. Once we get to know the situation, we can better understand. 

5. Always proclaim the gospel......Jesus was/is God, born to a virgin for the sins of mankind. He died on a cross for the very sins that separate us from a holy God. He took Gods wrath in our place. For those who believe this in their heart and repent, they are chosen for eternity with God. We need to tell ourselves this as well as others. This is vital to our Christian walk. We need a reminder each day of what Jesus did for us. We need to keep the gospel in the front of our mind......always. Jesus gave up heaven to come to this sin cursed earth for us. The least we can do is remember his sacrifice for our sin and give him praise and glory for it all. 

All these things can help us not be a lukewarm Christian. We always need our savior and he deserves our praise and honor. 

Grass is greener?

We all know the line....."the grass is greener on the other side". This is a statement we usually deem false. Showing us that when we chase the "other side" it's usually not worth it. That we would have been better off staying the way we know and not fall for a lie.

However, recently, I knew of someone who changed jobs and told me that the whole grass is greener thing really is true. This was different for me to hear. Usually people regret things when they say this line. This particular individual was very happy with choosing the "other side". So this has me wondering......can this be true? Can this be an option? Can we look at different areas of our life and know they would be better on the other side? There really is only one way to find out......

Think of the chronic pain patient who needs meds constantly to stay out of pain, when the surgery they been putting off, may be a better option. Think of the child afraid to tell anyone how her parents drink too much for fear of being taken away, yet a new home without all that may be better in the long run. Think of the wife who cheated because she wanted the other side, maybe let her go so he can heal. Think of the abused woman who is too used to what she lives in, unable to fathom another way of life. All these situations could have better outcomes and the grass would be greener, possibly.

This is a matter of opinion. What may be greener to me may not be to others. One thing I do know......before I knew Jesus I thought I was on the greener side of my life.
Enjoying my sin.....indulging in one pleasure after another....no one to answer to. I had it made. I had all I wanted with my life......guys, alcohol, cigarettes, parties, friends, and fun times, whenever I wanted.
All this fun and no peace. I found out years later that only Jesus could bring peace to my messed up life. Only He could forgive my wayward ways and heal me from the inside out. I never knew this Christian life would be the truth to say.....the grass really is greener on the other side. I know this now. My Jesus is my life and living for him is so worth it. I still have hard times and struggle, but I have his support and love to help me. I didn't have that before.  Have you taken the jump to the other side with Jesus?  You may just agree with me that it really is greener on His side because His side is what we were created for.

Mass casualty

Mass casualty is a term EMS, fire fighters, and police know all too well. It is a reference to situations where there are more people injured or fighting for life than there are personnel to help them at the given time of the situation. For example.....last week there was an accident involving 35 cars or so on thr highway.....this is a mass casualty. When these situations happen, the ones involved in the accidents, will be triaged and taken care of according to the severity of their injury. More severe ones are priortity.,...naturally. This term, mass casualty, got me thinking this week.

I am currently studying through the book of Exodus in the Old Testament. I have returned to the OT this year to go back and learn more. I read about Moses and how it was a miracle he survived at all.....this is only an act of God and His sovereignty. At the time, the Jews were getting too numerous and the Pharaoh instructed all baby boys born to Jewish women needed to be killed. Moses survived and went on to become a great leader to Gods people. He wasn't happy initially with being chosen for this task as he gave excuse after excuse trying to convince God to select someone else.....but it didn't work. God chose Moses and he had work to do for our God. Moses couldn't get out of how God planned to use him.

Moses was instructed to go to Pharaoh and tell him the Jews need to be released so they can go worship their God. Pharaoh usually said "no" as he was using the Jews for slaves.....but sometimes he said "yes", but changed his mind at the last minute. Many plagues fell on thr Egyptians as a judgement on them for not releasing Gods people. The plagues consisted of the land being covered with frogs, gnats, flies, locusts, darkness,and hail. All water in thr land was turned to blood. People were covered with boils. Their livestock was affected. The last plague to fall on them was the firstborn male of all Egyptians was to be killed......including animals and the pharaoh's son. The Jews were Instructed by God to put lambs blood on the doorframes of their house so the Lord would pass over the houses of His people. I realize our God didn't need the blood on the doors to know where His people lived......but they were called to be obedient to our God. They had to obey or pay the consequence. Obedience isn't an option when we claim to love God. Well....Pharaoh finally took God serious and let His people go. He saw Gods glory and things happened in just the way and time God had planned. The Jews were no longer slaves In a strange land.....they were free to follow God.

Mass casualty comes to my mind here as all the plagues took place. There were far more people
affected than people to take care of them.....at least this is how I see it. In my experience, even in death, in the grieving process, people need compassion and someone to help them through it as well as when physical ailments happen. Did the Egyptians comfort each other? Did they realize Gods transcendence? Did they realize what the Moses  already knew? Here is what I do know.....God gets
His glory for Himself one way or another. He allows things to happen for His glory
alone......including mass casualties. He knows how we will react and how it will all work for good. Most of what God does is a mystery. All we have to do is trust that He knows what's best.....and in this trust we will have true peace in this life.

Frustration

This has been one of the most frustrating weeks I've had in a long time. I'm not going to go on and on and whine and complain.....but this has been something I'm not used to. Usually I can roll with all the nonsense and be ok. I'm still ok, just frustrated in the mix of it all.

When I have these kinds of times, I regress back to my "old ways" of thinking and how I respond to others. It's my old nature that I'm not proud of that when comes out. My old nature before I knew Jesus has a lot to be desired. They always say "old habits die hard". This is true. This is reality. Just when you think you kick some "old habit" even for years on end......suddenly it resurfaces and it's not good. It come back around all shiny and new.....presented in a brand new way. We will never totally kick our old ways until we get to heaven. So....Until then it's a constant fight.

This is where all I read and study and know about God is needed. This is where all that is locked in my brain needs to surface so I can fight off the nonsense. This is where I need to stop and pray, be still, and wait for my God to rescue me from myself. This is the valley I seem to be in for longer than I want to be. This valley is where the frustration is.....yet the valley is where we become sanctified. We can only become more like Jesus when we are in that place. Avoiding temptation isn't easy, but knowing the steps to avoid is is key. My temptation to be frustrated with things and life and other peoples isn't easy to contain at times. So....when I fail, I need to repent. Simple as that.
1 John 1:9......my elder friend calls this dyslexic 911. He's wise in his thinking and makes things easy for me to understand. This verse tells us that when we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. AMEN! I'm glad that even in the valley and being frustrated doesn't have to be a way of life and I don't need to stay there. Just need to remember that we can't get to the mountain top without first going through the valley. Our God is good. Always good! ❤️

Meet

Recently I met a woman....about late 50s. She had a Bible with her and when I meet someone who carries a Bible around, I know I want to talk with them. At my job, Pastors come in all the time to visit their congregants in thr ER. If I've read something that is fresh in my mind, I'll ask them about it. Every time I've done this, they are always eager to share with me from the Word. This I appreciate so much because God knows who to send our way when we need it.

Anyway, this lady I met was amazing. The conversation started with current events and how I don't watch much TV....especially the news. She said she is the same way....that "ignorance is bliss". She told me she is anticipating Jesus' return. Well.....this opened a whole can for me! The conversation snowballed. We talked of the tribulation and the millennium. Her view of the tribulation was different  than I've ever heard, and we changed subjects quickly so I didn't get to ask her more about it. Our view of the millennium was the same, yet, we both agreed that God is God and can do whatever he pleases with what he has created. It all comes down to trust. If we truly trust Him, he will see us
through His perfect plans.

She then told me of her parents. Both were not saved and she had been praying for them for years. In
the last few months of her fathers life, she called a friend in to tell him of Jesus' saving grace. Her mother was in the room as her friend spoke to her dad. Her dad tried to tell the friend of all the good works he did and hoped they counted for something. The friend told him none of that matters if you don't have Jesus. They prayed together and her dad accepted Jesus right there. As her mom heard all this she too accepted Jesus that day. This lady said she drove home afterward and cried all the way with such joy. She knows we serve a good God and his timing is just perfect. 

I told her of the theology class I am taking at church and what we were discussing at the last class. The class impacts me very much and as I shared what I learned, she began to cry. She told me she gets so emotional when she thinks of how awesome our God is. By me sharing these things I learned, she was just in awe of a holy God. Her emotions said it all.

We also talked of repentance and how it is so vital in our relationship with our God. She and I agreed, 

that most don't understand the need of repentance and we need to pray for each other. I also told her of my many notebooks and blogs and more notes. I told her my drive for doing all this is so my kids will have all that to keep learning of Jesus after I'm gone. I know I have a lot of years ahead of me.....maybe.....but why leave what I want to do for them to the last minute? Haha. She thought my reasoning was good and knows that we can never know too much about our God. That drinking deep of him is amazing and if we claim to love Him we should want to know as much as we can about Him. 

I ended the conversation with how blessed and glad I was to meet her. My prayer is that one day we may cross paths again and talk of our God. 

Meeting this lady was not by chance. It was a divine appointment that encouraged me as well as her. Our God is amazing and sends the right people at just His right time.To touch us in ways we would never imagine. This divine meeting was set up for us before we ever knew about it. This time with her was no accident because only a sovereign God can arrange such appointments. Wow......just thinking about this makes me stand in awe of Him. Wow....

New year

I hear a lot of talk about resolutions. A coworker asked me the other day if I had any resolutions.....all I could say is I would like to lose about 10 pounds.....but truthfully....if I don't, I won't be heartbroken. My athletic skills aren't the best, so exercising isn't a top priority. I used to love waking for excercise at my old house. I had a really good 3 mile route with hills and the track to run in the middle of the route. Then, we moved and the route I made is ok.....but I can't get into it like my old one. So I put some weight on. Whatever.....it's not the end of the world. Anyway, back to the subject.

Resolutions.....
I can't remember the last time I actually made a resolution. Probably as a teen or early 20s. My track record for keeping them isn't good either. I always have good intentions when it comes to diligence of them, but quickly lose focus and go back to my old ways. It's just how things are cause we are human.

So...I don't make resolutions anymore.....but I do strive to be a better person all through the year. What does this look like for me? Well.....I desire to love God better. I can do this by praying and reading His Word everyday. I can read books that help me grow spiritually also. I recently read one by Jen Wilkin, "None Like Him". It was an excellent book and talks of the attributes of a holy God. This book went hand in hand with "knowledge of thr Holy" by AW Tozer. Both are excellent books on the attributes of our God....such as His omnipresence and His omniscience.

I desire to love people better also.....how can I do this? I can pray for them, encourage them, have meaningful conversations with them, start a discipleship study, build relationships, and just spend time with people. People are important. Telling them the gospel of Jesus is most important. We need people to encourage and pray for us as well. Loving them better allows for a peaceful connection that may not have occurred otherwise.

I desire to be a better wife/mom. My kids are grown and it's different being a mom to grown up kids.....but I hope my kids know I always have their back and love them unconditionally. I try to listen and not make quick judgements of their choices. I want them to know I support them always. I want my husband to know these things as well. I'm not always the best person to be around....cause I can get in a mood now and then. I try not to let my bad mood affect others around me.....especially when I get hungry. I can get really bad when I haven't eaten in awhile. (This is a secret.....don't tell....haha)  I am working on these things. Just because I'm having a rough time, no one else needs to deal with it, but me and God.

I desire to be a better ED tech at my job. Listening to patients and their many, many ailments can be exhausting. I need to ask God to give me the grace for others as He has given me. This will allow me to endure the neediness of some. I do love my job very much.....and I'm not complaining at all.....just some days are longer than others. Haha.

I desire to be a better church member. My church family is awesome. We may only see each other once a week, but it's a special time together worshiping our God. I desire to reach out better to those in my church family who need encouragement and love.

I desire to be a better daughter/sister/aunt to those in my family. Being there for them is very important. We may not live as close to each other as we once did, but the connections we all have won't ever be broken.

Though all these desires, God knows my heart. He knows what my intentions are and how to work in each of our lives to accomplish His will. When we allow God to use us, we can make a big impact for the glory of God and the kingdom. This is my desire most of all......to be used of my God for Hid purposes. It still baffles me why he chose me, but I won't argue.....I will trust and give
Him the glory He deserves in the process.....(at least try to)