December 13, 1993

What a cold night. I woke up in my little bedroom to pain.....off and on pain. It was 1:00 am on December 13, 1993. My baby was due in 2 days, but I guess she decided to come a little early. I didn't know I was going to have a girl....in fact everything in my being was telling me she was a boy, but my instinct was way off. So I lay in my bed for the next 2 hours and time the contractions. Not sure how I even knew how to time contractions, but they were coming regular about every 10 minutes. I went to wake my mom and we started our journey to the hospital.

I was at home with my parents. The situation I found myself in as a single mom was less than ideal, but my family supported me and my new child. They were more than glad to be there for us. I don't know what I would have done had they not been there.

Anyway....my mom starts up the old Taurus and we didn't even make it out of the development before the car stalled.....in the intersection. She did get it stated again and we made our way to the hospital. Last Sunday I relayed all this story to my daughter..... With much greater detail. She wasn't too thrilled with the series of events that took place once we left the house, but it is what it is. Giving birth is not all sunshine and rainbows. We finally got to the hospital and the ER personnel told us to head to the 4th floor. My mom is deathly afraid of elevators and was upset no one escorted a laboring young girl to the maternity floor. Her worst fear, at that time, was that we would be stuck in the elevator and I had to push and she have to deliver the baby.....oh my she worries too much. She got calm when the doors opened to our destination. The nurses helped get me settled.

Looking back on all that happened......the car, the pain, the labor room, the delivery room, the recovery room, the blood, the pushing (for 2 hours), the anxiety, and the relief of 14 hours later getting to see and meet this little life that was nurtured inside of me......what a time of emotion. All that feeling dissipates when you hold that little helpless life in your arms for the first time. This little girl was totally dependent on me. I was responsible for her well being and it wasn't about me anymore. She had to be my priority. I knew when I held her the first time I would go to the lengths of the earth to make sure she was safe and secure. I would do what I needed to to support us. I would take care of her the best I could. I would need help of course and with my family, I had plenty of support.

As soon as she was born and cleaned up, I got to hold her. I counted all her fingers and toes. All 20 were there. She had black hair and was 7lb 15oz. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and she was mine. Yes.....all I went through was worth it just to hold her and cuddle her (which as she grew she didn't like to do too often), but as a baby she would lay with me and I could cuddle her all I
wanted. She didn't know any better. She enjoyed being with me and I with her.

Truth be known I was scared. Scared of everything......would I be a good mom? Would I love her enough? Would she like me? Would I have enough to support her on my own? Would she be proud of me as her mom? Would she question what I did? Would she wonder about life? Would I be able to answer her questions? These things ran through my head......but one thing I did learn. I had to take one day at a time and each situation as it came. That's how I still live today. I don't get to carried away with what will happen tomorrow. I trust that God knows how to get me through today. My only regret is that back when I felt so alone with this little baby of mine, I didn't have Jesus. Had I had him, I would have been much better. My fears would have been nonsense......but we can't go back. I can only look forward and know that all things work for the good for those who love Him. I am thankful our God chose to give me this little girl that cold December day. She has taught me so much over the years. She truly is a blessing and will always be loved and cherished as long as I live. I love you Ashley......even though it took 2 days to name you......I love you more than you could ever imagine. Happy 23rd birthday to you! ❤️❤️